Mountain View Meets Hogwarts.

My highschool

is the best highschool

because we have a Harry Potter club

called Dumbledore's Army

that hosts Yule Balls.

My friends

are the best friends

because they ask people to the Yule Ball

like this:

So now my problem is...

How do I dance with a centaur?

Happy Halloween!

And so it begins!  October 31st, the night of ghouls,

goblins,



and the greatest sugar rush of the year.

So far, the costumes I've seen have been gruesome, evil, and somewhat revolting.

Themes range from "Devil Worship"

to "Alien Take-over."

From "Cannibalism"

To "Cold-Blooded Murder."

For you slackers who have yet to find a costme,

NEVER FEAR!

I've got you covered.

You could go as:

The Glitter Monster

The Midlife-Crisis Attention Hog

The Convicted Felon

The Father's Worst Nightmare

or The Devil Himself

Have a good one!

A Time to Dance

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live back in the olden days.

Ok not that old.

But back in the days when things were simpler.  

The days when cows were allowed to emit as much greenhouse gas as they pleased.

When Kermit the Frog was not an endangered species thanks to Lady Gag me...I mean Gaga.

When vampires were terrifying

instead of pasty wimps with bad hair.

But mostly I wish that it was still acceptable to ask someone to a dance without planning how for months in advance.  Because these days...things are a bit ridiculous. Let me explain:

A highschool female will begin hunting season around June, plotting who her prey will be for

 the next year's dances.

She lets all of their friends know once she's made her selection, in order to stake her claim.

Then she waits. 

However, the huntress is patient. 

She is cunning. 

She is willing to do whatever it takes to get her man.

And she has a plan.

The night after Homecoming marks Open Season.  Soon other competition will begin to move in,

 and her prize will be in jeopardy.

This is why she strikes while the last dance's corsage is still fresh.

 

In the dead of night, she carefully chooses 17 of her nearest and dearest friends to help accomplish this mission of most importance.

They head off in search of supplies

and devise a plan that includes a jar of peanut butter,

a spatula,

 

and Luke Skywalker,

all tied together with a clever pun*.

They all pile into a Suburban and head to their target's house.  Leaving one designated getaway driver, they creep up to the porch with stealth that would make a ninja jealous.

They ring the doorbell and bolt for the car as fast as their flipflops allow.

The driver peels out within 12 seconds of ringing the bell, regardless of who may

or may not be in the vehicle.

And the deed is done.

The huntress rests easy tonight, for the first time in months.  She has beaten the competition, and won her man fair and square. 

She allows herself a small chuckle for the poor sap she asked, and wonders how long it will take him to find the tiny scraps of paper with the letters of her name written in Morse code that she embedded in the peanut butter.

This, my dear readers, is very much reality.  And it's a game everyone plays.  Because nothing tops the feeling of trumping the competition

and scoring a hot date.

*Whoever can come up with a cheesy pun involoving peanutbutter, a spatula, and Luke Skywalker wins my adoration for eternity.

Seven Life Sentences for Seven Brothers

Lately, I've been on an old-fashioned movie kick.  Because there's just something that old classics have that these new-fangled pictures...lack...

(Not that Ryan Reynolds isn't a babe.  But looks ain't everything honey.)

So.  As I was perusing our collection of old movies, I came across one very dear to my heart.

 The singing! The dancing!  The strapping young men so eager to please!

This movie is perfection.

Then I got to thinking about the storyline.

Seven brothers sneak into town in the dead of night to steal young girls away from their families and keep them for months.  Back then?  Well, not exactly ideal courtship circumstances, but people moved on.  If that happened now, on the other hand...I imagine it would go something like this.

The brothers pull up in their white Chester Molester van with Adam at the wheel poised to lead a car chase at a moment's notice. "Ready boys? Go get them women!" he cries.

They hop out of the van and race to the homes of their beloved victims.  Sadly, the boys encounter a few snags that really mess things up for them.

Benjamin never made it out with Dorcas, because she whipped out her phone and texted 57 of her best buds to tell them about it before he got his hands on her.

 

Caleb accidentally triggered the ADT alarm that Ruth's father had put in.  He had to hightail it out of there before the police showed up (they are so prompt these days!)

 

Daniel actually got Martha out of the house with his adorable charms, but once she realized his true motives, he didn't stand a chance against her Cobra StunGun.

 

 

Ephraim, unfortunately, wasn't be able to carry poor Liza out of the house because of her extreme obesity after spending all her days Facebook stalking.  And she was the only one who wanted to go.  Pity.

Frank (Frankincense) was shocked to discover that his sweetheart Sarah had joined a kickboxing team and was able to beat the living tar out of him.





Gideon, young, lovesick Gideon, had a nasty run-in with Alice's rottweiler and ended up waiting in the ICU for 5 hours that night.



 

And Adam, the boys' trusted older brother, was found 17 miles out of harm's way at the local Chevron.  He was convicted and charged as being an accomplice to attempted kidnapping, the coward.

 

The Notorious Brothers Pontipee were all sentenced to a life of wood chopping in frigid conditions and dance lessons from the ever-intimidating Myrtle Kikbutson.

So maybe it's a good thing that Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is only a movie.  Whatever.  It's still one of my favorites.

*This post was inspired by Jacob Boehme.