Seven Life Sentences for Seven Brothers

Lately, I've been on an old-fashioned movie kick.  Because there's just something that old classics have that these new-fangled pictures...lack...

(Not that Ryan Reynolds isn't a babe.  But looks ain't everything honey.)

So.  As I was perusing our collection of old movies, I came across one very dear to my heart.

 The singing! The dancing!  The strapping young men so eager to please!

This movie is perfection.

Then I got to thinking about the storyline.

Seven brothers sneak into town in the dead of night to steal young girls away from their families and keep them for months.  Back then?  Well, not exactly ideal courtship circumstances, but people moved on.  If that happened now, on the other hand...I imagine it would go something like this.

The brothers pull up in their white Chester Molester van with Adam at the wheel poised to lead a car chase at a moment's notice. "Ready boys? Go get them women!" he cries.

They hop out of the van and race to the homes of their beloved victims.  Sadly, the boys encounter a few snags that really mess things up for them.

Benjamin never made it out with Dorcas, because she whipped out her phone and texted 57 of her best buds to tell them about it before he got his hands on her.

 

Caleb accidentally triggered the ADT alarm that Ruth's father had put in.  He had to hightail it out of there before the police showed up (they are so prompt these days!)

 

Daniel actually got Martha out of the house with his adorable charms, but once she realized his true motives, he didn't stand a chance against her Cobra StunGun.

 

 

Ephraim, unfortunately, wasn't be able to carry poor Liza out of the house because of her extreme obesity after spending all her days Facebook stalking.  And she was the only one who wanted to go.  Pity.

Frank (Frankincense) was shocked to discover that his sweetheart Sarah had joined a kickboxing team and was able to beat the living tar out of him.





Gideon, young, lovesick Gideon, had a nasty run-in with Alice's rottweiler and ended up waiting in the ICU for 5 hours that night.



 

And Adam, the boys' trusted older brother, was found 17 miles out of harm's way at the local Chevron.  He was convicted and charged as being an accomplice to attempted kidnapping, the coward.

 

The Notorious Brothers Pontipee were all sentenced to a life of wood chopping in frigid conditions and dance lessons from the ever-intimidating Myrtle Kikbutson.

So maybe it's a good thing that Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is only a movie.  Whatever.  It's still one of my favorites.

*This post was inspired by Jacob Boehme.

To My Cellular Mr. Right

To all those boys who hide behind cell phones:
                                                 

 We know who you are.

To all the guys who don't have the gumption to talk to a girl in real life:
                                                                 

     We know you're a coward.

To all the fellas who are smooth on the keyboard but a train wreck on a date:
                                                                            
                              

We're sick of it.

 

 

            The females of this rising generation have put up with a lot over the years, there's no denying it.  We have sacrificed our skin for a sexy tan,

 our brownies for a tiny waist,

and wake up every day armed

and ready to fight the Morning Mirror Monster

For YOU.

       And what is the thanks we get?   A text saying "hey, u r hawt.  let's hang?;)"

Charming.

        I hope you realize, you silly little boys, that we won't be putting up for this much longer.  If you text a girl to ask for a date, text her to come to the car when you pick her up, and then text her after you drop her off to tell her you had a good time instead of saying it to her face...you have a long life of loneliness ahead of you my friend. (And yes, those have happened to me :P)

       So please, until you've got the nerve to say hello in the halls, quiet the keyboard.

 And if any of you ladies know a guy who can make a girl :) in real life, please let me know. 

  

Preferably if he looks like this.

Message Sent.

       

Goodbye Summer

Dear Summer-

You and I have become very close these past few months.  It breaks my heart to see you go like this, but some things just have to happen, whether we like it or not.  Tragic, I know.  So with the little time we have left together, I'd like to thank you for all you've taught me over the past 78 glorious days.

First off, thank you for reminding me how much I love fireworks

and rodeos

and my massive family.

Thanks for showing me that Disneyland, although crowded and infested with long lines, is totally, totally worth it.

Thank you for giving me my first job

And showing me why people hate the government.

Thanks for letting my pals come to the beach, that was pretty great.

  

You taught me that California can be DISGUSTING...

(yes, that is gum)

 But the sunsets never get old.

And Shark Week is still creepy, no matter how many reruns.



Thank you for showing me that all things are possible, if I just believe.

(25 grapes. Hawt.)

And finally, for protecting me from those alcohol-swigging, glass bottle-toting, public poopers on the beach.

So Summer, it's been a party.  Please come back soon, before I get white and pasty again.
Missing you already-
Shelby